The Summer We Loved Page 15

  Unable to process such a torrent of emotions, Jenny’s heart shut down. She walked home down the night’s streets. The shadows and crisp air were a godsend as they swallowed her tears and hid her from view.

  How had she fallen under his spell? She had stood there, in his doorway, willing it not to be true, when all the while she should have been expecting it. Did she think she was so different from every other girl he had been with? No. It had meant nothing to him.

  Humiliation tore through her as the sudden realisation that she had made the same mistake all over again squeezed the air from her lungs and rung tears from her eyes. She hadn’t learned, and now she felt physically sick.

  Her guts coiled, threatening to humiliate her. He no longer needed her. His life had turned around. He was on his way to making consultant and now, had even ticked her off his list. What an achievement that must have been!

  Back in his flat, Pete quickly dispatched his visitor whilst fighting the urge to run after Jen. He hated the thought of her out there, upset and walking home alone late at night, but the last person she wanted now was him. He had seen that clearly in her eyes. Her box of shortbread lay open on his kitchen counter as the guilt threatened to choke him with every breath that he took. Wasn’t this what he had wanted, even if it had not been of his doing?

  He had considered setting her free of him, so she could find someone more worthy. It would free him of such expectation. But having happened now, he felt desolate. His life’s blood was ebbing away from him and it was following her back to her home.

  As the misery of the situation settled in, he remembered the photo shoot. Tomorrow he would have to go to her. She had wanted to speak to him tonight, of course she had. She’d had an exhausting, probably painful, day and she had come back to this. She was probably about to tell him everything that had happened and suddenly he wanted to know. He wanted to hear every detail of her life and her day and hold her close to him and make it all better. She had seemed so pleased to see him, at first; hopefully that meant it had gone well. He couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t bear hurting her, so he sent her a text. JENNY WREN, NOTHING HAPPENED, I PROMISE. I MISS YOU. I HOPE IT WENT WELL TODAY. I’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. I’M SORRY. He didn’t expect an answer, but at least she would have heard him.

  Less than two weeks to go to the exam. He would have to try and put it to the back of his mind and study for the rest of the night. She would come round when he explained it. If he was going to make something of himself he needed to pass this final exam. He would never be able to hold his head up in front of her if he didn’t.

  He was on call the next day as it happened, but by the day after that word had got around. Looks of distaste followed him into theatre as the morning list passed very slowly. Only one theatre assistant was prepared to help him, not a woman, of course, they had all closed ranks and not one of them was going to speak to him unless a patient’s life depended on it. He made his own coffee and found his own kit. And did he deserve this? He probably did. He had been a fool to open the door to Tina. He felt the pain of his guilt like a knife in his side and it seemed everybody wanted him to.

  He didn’t run into Jenny at all that day, but it was a warm evening and so, after freshening up, he threw a jacket in the car and headed over to see her. He picked up some flowers from the petrol station en route and turned up at Jenny’s a little after seven. He knocked on the door.

  Flis answered. Oh, yes, she lived there, he thought. He had forgotten. “What do you want?” she snapped.

  “It’s good to see you too, Flis.”

  “She’s not well.”

  “Where is she?”

  “I don’t see how that’s any of your business, but if you must know, she needed some air.” She shook her head at him. “You couldn’t help yourself, could you? The girl looked awful when she came back the other night. It’s a knack of yours, isn’t it, spreading misery like that? And not just misery this time; the poor girl spent most of the day with her head down the toilet, thanks to you.”

  Her words could not have been barbed more acutely. Pete felt them and each one cut deep. Yes he had hurt her, he realised that, but he had never intended to. He was actually trying to not hurt her; it had just somehow gone horribly wrong. And the sickness…? “Did she say anything about her parents?” he asked.

  “Why would she have said anything about them? She only went up for a photo shoot. Probably had a whale of a time.”

  Flis didn’t know! She didn’t know about Jen’s family and she was one of her best friends. She must have really trusted him. “Can I wait?”

  “You can wait out there,” she said, “but I doubt she’ll want to see you.” And so he nodded and walked back along the pathway to the little wall at the front.

  The door behind him closed and he set himself down on the brick wall to wait. Flis would be in there texting Jenny right now, he was sure of it, but the sun was still shining warmly, although it was turning now from gold to pink. A bird-filled sky above him chirped a merry sound to his sorry soul below. Cars drove past in the close of the day and dogs came out to walk. A bee buzzed around him, in search of nectar, and he watched it pass on its jagged route, listening to its hum. The last wisps of summer, he thought. Soon it would be all gone. And so would he.

  Footsteps walked softly in from the left and he looked up and saw her rounding the corner towards him. She was pale and drawn. She stopped a short distance off and looked at him.

  Pete stood up. “Hello,” he said.

  “You know, I didn’t think you’d actually have the nerve to come round here,” she told him and continued to approach.

  “You got my message, though?”

  Jenny raised her brow. “Yes.”

  “I’m sorry. I forgot I was on call last night. Can we talk?”

  She looked at him. “I’m tired, Pete.”

  “Jenny, look, I know you’ve been ill, but… Don’t shut me out, Jen, please. I didn’t do anything. I promise. She just turned up.” His shoulders sagged. What was the point? He could see from her face that she didn’t believe him. “I needed to make sure you were all right.”

  “I’m fine.”

  Like hell she was. “You don’t look fine.”

  “Yeah, well, apparently burger vans don’t agree with me.”

  “Oh.” He winced. “But I meant with your family.”

  She searched his gaze, seemingly assessing his worth. “You expect me to believe you care?”

  “I do care. Jenny. Please. Talk to me.”

  Jenny’s gaze was caught by something behind him at the window and he turned to see Flis watching them. He looked back at Jenny. It was punishment enough to see her this way; surely she would still speak to him?

  “Shall we go for a walk?” she asked.

  Pete was pleased to be allowed time with her. Their closeness was something he was already missing, but it was clear she no longer felt the same.

  They walked the short distance along the road to a park. The children had all gone now, their bath and bedtime stories calling them, so she sat on a swing and Pete took the one next to her.

  He was the first to speak. “I got you these,” he said, suddenly remembering the forgotten flowers in his hand. He held them out and Jenny took them. Her sad eyes regarded the blooms. “So how was it, with your family?” he asked.

  Jenny started to swing, ever so slowly. “Awful.”

  Pete wanted to scoop her up and hold her, chase away anyone who would hurt her and let her mend, but he couldn’t. Her body language was closed off. Only her voice was reaching out to him and for that alone, he was still grateful. “What happened? Did they upset you?”

  “Worse,” she said. “I upset them.”

  “I don’t understand. Why does that bother you?”

  “Because I think it’s all my fault. All these years I’ve been blaming them, keeping them at arm’s length, and all the time it was me. I messed everything up. All they did was try and protect me, look after me, and I
pushed them all away. I punished them for things they had no control over. Lizzy most of all.” She looked at him with pain in her eyes. “She hates me, Pete. I never once considered how my leaving would have affected her. I was so selfish, so wrapped up in my own problems that I didn’t even think about them.”

  “So how were they? Did they have a go at you?”

  “They broke down in tears the moment I arrived there.”

  “So it went… well, really?”

  “No. I…”

  He took hold of her hand and felt physical pain at her flinching. “What actually happened, Jen?”

  “I think I messed up again. I don’t know. I was angry and… I felt foolish. I ran.” Pete just held onto her hand. She was defeated. “I went to see my aunt before I got to…” Her eyes fell away. “I asked her.”

  “That’s why you were so late back that night?”

  She nodded, an accusing look flickered across her gaze and Pete felt he had to try and explain. “I’m so sorry you came back to that, Jen. But it was nothing, it really was. She was coming on to me.”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  The hell it didn’t! It had hurt her and suddenly all he had hoped for had gone. He shook his head. She would never believe him; why would she? “I didn’t do anything.”

  Jenny’s voice was strained. “Why was she there, then, Pete? Either you did, or you were going to. It makes little difference. Surely you don’t expect me to believe she just popped round for a cup of sugar?”

  Yes, he did. And then she would be happy again and he wouldn’t feel so guilty. And for the first time in his life he actually had no reason!

  It was starting to go dark. It was only the two of them there and the odd person walking a dog. He needed her to know it wasn’t like that. And that he hadn’t always been so shallow and small. He started to swing, gently, like her. “I’m going to tell you something now, something I’ve never told anyone. But I’m telling you because I need you to trust me.”

  Jenny looked across at him and stilled.

  “It’s about Ali.”

  Jenny nodded and continued gently swinging.

  “She grew up on the same estate as I did. She was a few years older, but she was good to Jimmy and me. When we were out there, in the den, she would sneak us food. She tended to us when we had cuts and bruises and she stood up for me at school. But then she went away to university. I was 15. It was around the time my dad left home, after all the police and the scandal had died down. By then I had made up my mind what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a doctor, like her. So I studied as hard as I could and we were doing better at home. At least when I left I knew Jimmy would be safe.

  “She was in the fourth year by the time I arrived, so we spent a couple of years at the same university and she kept an eye on me there too, lending me books and helping me out. By chance I landed up in the same hospital as her a couple of years after I qualified. That’s when the accident happened. She’d married Adam by then and she looked completely happy. I knew I shouldn’t, but I still wanted to spend time with her. I couldn’t bear to just let go, after all we’d been through. Not just like that. That was why I persuaded her to go to the party with me that night.” He stared up at the evening sky. “So you see, it really was my fault, I wasn’t being overly dramatic, I actually was responsible for her dying. If I hadn’t have been so selfish, she would still be alive today.”

  Jenny looked at him. “You loved her,” she said, her voice calm, but not unfeeling.

  “No.”

  “Yes, you did. You loved her. Oh, Pete. How could you not? She was the only one who showed you kindness. She was there for you. She was your lifeline through the dark times. Of course you loved her.”

  Pete’s head dipped in defeat as the truth in what she was saying sought him out. “I suppose I did.”

  “And that’s why you torture yourself over and over again. Because you feel responsible for the death of the woman you loved. That’s why you used to let Adam treat you so badly.”

  He looked up.

  “We could all see it. He was horrid to you. He was pretty foul to a lot of people back then.”

  He nodded. “I deserved it.”

  Jenny got off her swing and stepped around the bar to look at him. He stilled the swing before her and her eyes opened up to him.

  “It hurts, doesn’t it, feeling the burden of guilt?”

  Pete reached out with his heart and met hers. “Yes. It does,” he said.

  “But I can’t help you with that, Peter Florin. You are going to have to learn to forgive yourself and then one day, you might be able to move on, properly.”

  But he was moving on. He cared now, and that hadn’t happened for a long time. But he could see in her eyes that she had left him. She was battling demons of her own now. She didn’t need any more trouble from him.

  “It’s getting cold,” she said.

  It was over. What more could he do? “I’ll walk you back and then I’d better get off home and do some more revision before this nurse I know gives me grief for slacking off,” he said and he stood up.

  “How’s that going?” she asked him.

  “Good, I think. I hope so, anyway.”

  “You’ll do fine. I know you will,” she told him.

  They walked back to Jenny’s house in a more companionable silence. At the path, he turned to her. “I think I’ll say goodbye here. Not sure I’m up to another showdown with Flis,” and Jenny smiled.

  “Okay.”

  He could see the wind blowing through her empty gaze. To be the least tortured, that was a new experience for him. He would have to keep an eye on her now, make sure she didn’t slip any further away. “Don’t be too hard on yourself, Jenny Wren. You were very young and things are rarely as one-sided as they seem. I’m here if you need me,” he told her and she just smiled sadly and walked inside and all he could hear was goodbye.

  I thought that I knew which way I was facing, Jenny wrote that night. After the trials and revelations of the past 48 hours, I thought things couldn’t get any more complicated. I wish that that were true. My body aches, but more than that, my heart aches. It aches to be with him, to hold him against me and lose myself in his touch, but I cannot go there again. After his sorry attempt to deny what was happening in his flat on Wednesday evening, I have resigned myself to the fact that he will never change.

  So much about him is exactly what I’ve wanted, what any girl could want. He is kind, considerate, hardworking; he has the capacity for so much love, but he has been wounded and his wounds have changed him. I could wish until the sun refused to shine that he would feel the same way about me, but he cannot and I must learn to accept this. I need someone who really needs me, who wants me, whose world will not exist unless I am in it.

  And I had that sorted in my mind, and then tonight he turned up and reached out to me in a way I knew he had in him, but dared not hope. And I wanted him, so badly it hurt. It is the agony of life to love and not feel love in return. All the great tragic love stories have heard of this pain. Authors and poets have written about it. They could understand how I feel, but sadly I cannot.

  Still, he is doing well without me now. Soon he will complete his exams and move on to be a consultant somewhere else and I will… What will I be? I will go under… for a while, but I am a fighter and I am strong and I will survive. I hope.

  Jenny decided to let herself mourn, for just one night, the loss she felt too deeply. She silently wept as the moon turned silver and the owl cries withered on the wind and in the morning, it was another day and she was determined to move on and be the person she knew she could be.

  Her past was still in limbo. She could no longer ignore it, like something you might place in a drawer just in case. She had been at the very least partially responsible for the family’s woes and she needed to put things right in her mind once and for all. She had failed Clara too, perhaps most of all.

  It was time to start anew. Jenny searched h
er heart for what would make her happy. Lizzy was a priority. To try to reach out to her again was something she felt she had to do. She wanted to face her mother and father again too. They deserved to be heard and to be forgiven. She needed to go back to where it had begun, to see Clara and accept her past and then, when that was accomplished, she would try and move on. It was something she had to do. It was the least she could do.

  As for her future, it was time to bite the bullet. With her holiday a little over a week away, she needed to sort things out. Grabbing the most recent copy of her writing magazine, Jenny flicked through to look for the getaways. One of them must have a place still begging. She was finally going to go on that writing break she had always dreamed of, be it success or disaster. At least then she would know.

  That weekend she took the train back up to the Lake District and, more humbly than before, returned to her childhood home. She didn’t ring to tell them to expect her. She couldn’t speak so easily over the phone. But this time she was willing to stay, however hard it got, for she needed to understand what had happened so long ago.

  Her mother was out picking raspberries in the garden when she arrived. Jenny walked slowly over to see her as the dog started barking from beyond. Her mother looked up and saw her over the top of the bushes. She looked so uncertain that an ache settled in Jenny’s heart and, with her lips beginning to tremble, she forced herself to smile. As she got closer, though, she crumbled. “I’m sorry, Mum.”

  Her mother put the bowl down on an empty plant pot and hurried over to her, folding her in her arms. They held onto one another, without any words, and stayed like that for some time.

  “I’ve been praying that you would come home again,” she said to her. “It was so wonderful to see you the other day and… I’ve missed you, so very much.”